Yes, the day before my birthday….
I remember waking up thinking to myself “dang it’s cold today”, I was living in Hawaii at the time. Despite the chill I was excited!! I as finally going to hear my baby’s heartbeat. I took a cab to Tripler because at the time we didn’t have a car. It was a beautiful day. I was feeling chilly but excited It would be the day I got to hear my baby’s heartbeat ….. I did a quick google search on “what are the chances of miscarrying a second time”, most of the articles gave me hope that it may not happen again. I envisioned myself with a big ole belly… Then I envisioned my baby and I playing in the sand on the beach. envisioned all three of us living a happy life. I was convinced that since my grandpa had recently passed that this pregnancy wouldn’t fail, I wouldn’t fail, my body wouldn’t kill my baby.
When I got there I saw all the other awesome pregnant moms and I envisioned myself with a big ole round belly. My grandfather had just passed away so that knowledge made me think I was having a boy. Generally (by my observation) once someone dies, someone is born.
I waited in the waiting room for what felt like hours, I’m almost certain it was maybe 45 minutes. Tripler Hospital isn’t really the best… (Story for another day)
When I finally got called in, I was just eager at that point. The tech and I were having such an amazing conversation. I told her about my prior miscarriage and what my old Doctor had said was the”problem”. I kept staring at her face because the screen was turned away from me. I couldn’t see anything, which was freaking annoying. But I knew something was wrong, there was no heartbeat! No heartbeat, no heartbeat! My body sank, I could feel like life was being drained out of me. Then she told me that she had to get the Doctor and come right back. I knew what te heck that meant. There wasn’t any glimmer of hope on her face and that crushed me! She came back, Doctor in tow. The Doctor picked up the doppler and proceed to try to hear a heartbeat…. NOTHING….. The even did the vaginal one…. NOTHING…..
The Doctor asked me to follow her to her office. All this time they didn’t tell me anything. When I got into the office I said “Why Wasnt there any heartbeat” and literally started bawling my eyes out. Here I am married to an amazing man ad I cannot start a family with him. What is wrong with me? What did I d t deserve this? What did he do to deserve a woman like me who cannot even give him a child? Two miscarriages in a row! WHAT THE HECK!
I was told what I already knew! My baby had died. At 12 weeks gestation, my baby passed away. She asked me if I wanted to do the D&C or wait till to deliver the baby. I opted for the D&C. I called Jay (Ex-husband) to let him know what happened. Like the first miscarriage conversation, this one was heartwrenching! That’s a conversation I don’t ever want to have again. The rest of what happened that day seems like a blur. I know for sure that the D&C was performed and I was sent home…. Broken, scared, questioning myself, questioning my marriage, my womanhood, and my faith in God! Unlike my first pregnancy, my baby wasn’t developed enough to know what the gender was but I’m still working on a unisex name to refer to baby#2 by.
On my birthday my very awesome friend Stacy (who just had a baby) came over and brought me a cake she baked me. We hang out and then she left, then I went to my room and cried some more. I was so tired.
I was planning on going out that night to celebrate my birthday and the baby but there is no baby… What is there to celebrate?
Years later I can still feel the emotions rush over me and I cannot help crying. I know now that Jay and I weren’t compatible, but I still miss my babies. I never got to meet them, but I miss them!
I know know that it wasn’t my fault and that there was nothing I can do but I wish things were different.
Ps: I wish I had pictured to share with you but I don’t…….. Sorry.