Pregnancy loss // My story Pt 2
Yes, the day before my birthday….
I remember waking up thinking to myself “dang it’s cold today”, we were stationed on Oahu at the time. Despite the chill, I was excited!! I was finally going to hear my baby’s heartbeat. I took a cab to Tripler because then we didn’t have a car. It was a beautiful day. I was feeling chilly but excited It would be the day I got to hear my baby’s heartbeat ….. I did a quick google search on “what are the chances of miscarriage a second time”, most of the articles gave me hope that it may not happen again. I envisioned myself with a big ole belly… Then I envisioned my baby and I playing in the sand on the beach. envisioned all three of us living a happy life. Convinced that since my grandpa had recently passed that this pregnancy wouldn’t fail, I wouldn’t fail, my body wouldn’t kill my baby. Thinking about my previous miscarriage made me feel so anxious. Writing this brings back so many heart-wrenching memories. But I know that miscarriages, child loss, and infant mortality are some of the unfortunate things that a lot of families deal with. I hope that by sharing my story, it will help someone somewhere. You don’t have to go through the heartbreak alone. I’m here for you & thousands of other families as well.
When I got there I saw all the other awesome pregnant moms and I envisioned myself with a big ole round belly. My grandfather had just passed away so that knowledge made me think I was having a boy. Generally (by my observation) once someone dies, someone is born.
I waited in the waiting room for what felt like hours, I’m almost certain it was maybe 45 minutes.
Tripler Hospital wasn’t really the best… (Story for another day)
When I finally got called in, filled with anxiety, eagerness & excitement. I got to the room where the ultrasound would take place and took my clothes off like I was instructed. The tech and I were having such an amazing conversation. I told her about my prior miscarriage and what my old Doctor had said was the”problem”. I kept staring at her face because the screen was turned away from me. I couldn’t see anything, which was freaking annoying. But I knew something was wrong, there was no heartbeat!
No heartbeat!! No heartbeat!!
The words no one wants to hear
My body sank, I could feel the life being drained out of me. She left to go get the Doctor, but I already knew what the verdict was. The Doctor walks in looking calm, I wasn’t calm and there was no way her calmness would rub off on me. I was inconsolable, couldn’t stop the tears. Disbelief washed over me as I started to scream ” This isn’t fair! I already had one miscarriage!” Please check again, “Please”! I’m begging, screaming & crying at this point. “My baby would never leave me, my baby loves me? You’re lying, check again.” Knowing that there wasn’t any glimmer of hope that my baby was indeed alive, I caved into the bed. I felt like a sumo wrestler was sitting on my chest & I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to die, and somehow thinking back on that day part of me died on that table. At 12 weeks gestation my baby died. I didn’t know they name/gender or anything. Just like that, I was no longer pregnant.
The Doctor asked me if I wanted to do the D&C or wait till the baby delivers itself naturally. I opted for the D&C. I called Jay (Ex-husband) to let him know what happened. Like the first miscarriage conversation, this one was heart wrenching! That’s a conversation I don’t ever want to have again. The rest of what happened that day seems like a blur. I know that the D&C was performed and I was sent home…. Broken, scared, questioning myself, questioning my marriage, my womanhood, and my faith in God! Unlike my first pregnancy, my baby wasn’t developed enough to know what the gender was but I’m still working on a unisex name to refer to baby#2 by.
On my birthday (the following day) my very awesome friend Stacy (who just had a baby) came over and brought me a cake she baked me. We hang out and then she left, then I went to my room and cried some more. I was so tired.
Prior to finding out about the death of my child, I was planning on going out that night to celebrate my birthday and the baby but there is no baby… What is there to celebrate?
Years later I can still feel the emotions rush over me and I cannot help crying. I know now that Jay and I weren’t compatible, but I still miss my babies. I never got to meet them, but I miss them! Every
I that it wasn’t my fault and that there was nothing I can do but I wish things were different.
At the time all I kept thinking about were negative beliefs about myself. “I wasn’t good enough to be a mom and that’s why God killed my baby”, “I didn’t deserve my husband, I am bad/mean/nasty/ugly person, etc”. Tragedy, pain & anguish can rip you to shreds if you allow it to. Sometimes your mind goes into that space and it eliminates the truth, the truth that bad things do indeed happen to good people.
I cannot from the point of view of a Christian explain why pain happens, and yet I know that eventually, everything works for my good.
Ps: I wish I had pictured to share with you but I don’t…….. Sorry.