Recollecting these hurtful memories have left me in a fog since last week…. It’s taken me so long to complete this post because I feel like band-aid has been freshly ripped off and now the pain is taking my soul captive AGAIN. My rainbow baby Alle has helped me heal so much. But I cannot help wonder what gender my six and four-year-old babies would’ve been, I can’t help wondering what shade of skin they would have or what name they would call me. I know everything happens for God’s glory but I cannot help wondering why I was left to carry this cross! when bad things happen to good people I always wonder why…
Here is my painful recollection of how things unfolded…
Miscarriage #1 2009
It was a Sunday in September, the day before my Fiance (now ex-husband) was to leave to go to USMC boot camp. It was about 4pm & I was on my way home from seeing him. We had just finished making love because after al we would not be seeing each other for three months! I was on the bus and started feeling so ILL. Light headed, dizzy, weak, felt like I was going to pass out. I was already five months pregnant so I knew that it would be best to go to the hospital instead of waiting it out. My stomach was cramping so bad! I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG. I couldn’t shake the feeling (ps: I am shaking while writing this). When I got to the ER I waited what seemed like FOREVER. When I finally got to get an ultrasound I was told, “There’s no heartbeat”. My life stopped that day. The person I was prior to hearing those words changed… Broken, hurt, guilty those are words that cannot even explain how felt. I felt guilty because when I first felt like I was pregnant I wanted to have an abortion, I even went to the clinic to do it.. My reasoning was, well I do not have my green card, I would be an embarrassment to my family (I wasn’t living with my mother anymore), I wasn’t married yet and a slew of other stupid thoughts. But at that moment all I could think of is “I deserve this pain because I thought of killing my baby.” Then I started going into the “this isn’t real” begging stage. I remember praying “God if you can put this baby in me, I know you wouldn’t allow him/her to die.” The tech asked me if I wanted to stay in the hospital and do a D&C. I said, “No, my baby isn’t dead.” With tears in my eyes ran out of there. I started to get mad at God, “how dare you do this to me!” “If this is my punishment you might as well kill me!” I kept thinking about that mom who I met who was due in about a month but she was still smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol and smoking weed (yes, I was judging her). Then I got even more mad at God. I thought of what Job’s wife told him “curse God & die” but couldn’t bring myself to do that. I called Jay (my ex) to tell him what happened, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a man cry this much to this day! As I write this I can hear those cries echo in my head. What a foul joke!
When I got to my mother’s apartment ( I moved back in with her because Jay was going to boot camp and I was pregnant and living alone). When I got home I told my mother what the tech said, she told me “God allows things like that to happen to show us that we’re doing wrong things.” That hurt like a stab to the heart. I told my siblings but I was still praying that it wasn’t true. I went to bed that night with tears in my eyes and womb pain that I’m almost certain wanted to kill me.
The next day (Monday) I woke up at 5am to make it to MEPS in time to see Jay leave for boot camp. It took everything in me to stay calm & look happy. Inside I was dying! At that point, I knew for sure that my baby was dead. The pain was so excruciating. But I wouldn’t dare tell him how I really felt. I knew that would if I told him, he wouldn’t want to go anymore. I couldn’t tell him that I felt like death. After the ceremony & he left with the other poolees, I took the train home.
I knew I should’ve gone to the ER straightway but I knew that if i went it would just mean that it was true. Plus whether or not it was true I just wanted to keep my baby. I didn’t care what that meant, I just wanted my baby.. When I got home that afternoon, I went to sleep (Now that I’ve gone through labor I know that I was in the labor stage ). I don’t even know how long I slept for, I just remember waking up and running to the bathroom to pee. As I was walking back into the room my water broke!
After the gush of water came a stream of blood, there was blood everywhere. I wiped it up and called my mother (she & my siblings were at the store). I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I felt myself falling in and out of consciousness. I was losing so much blood, I remember flushing the toilet 3 times because it kept filling up to my butt. I at one point had to unclog it because something was preventing it from flushing (I found out later in the hospital that it was my baby, I didn’t know ;( ..) I stayed on there until my mother came. When she came she called a cab and my brother carried me into the car because I was too weak to walk.
When we got to the ER the cab driver went in and got a wheelchair and I was wheeled in. The triage nurse kept asking me questions but I couldn’t answer because I was weak. I got a room immediately because my mother’s friend worked at a nurse at that hospital. OMG, the pain. They say you never remember pain, but I think that’s pure BS. I remember feeling like my insides were about to come out through my butt/Vagina… The staff at the hospital was so great! I spent a week there because I had to get a blood transfusion. The Doctor told me that based on my placenta measurements my baby may have stopped growing at 17 weeks. I was also told that I may have had an incompetent cervix which is what caused te baby to come out before his/her time. My baby was flushed down a toilet because I didn’t know what was going on with my body. In the ER I remember passing the placenta, boy was that even more painful/uncomfortable than the labor pains I was having prior. I remember shreeking & screaming when it came out and the girl in the room next to me was asking the nurse “is she ok, what’s wrong with her, why is she crying?” I was scared, sad and feeling so guilty.
I’m extremely grateful to my mother for taking me to the hospital and staying with me during everything. We may have our differences but I will never forget how she held my hand and prayed with me when I was laying there feeling like was about to die. She stayed with me while I went through surgery and even after I got sent to the recovery room. And she visited me every day I was in the hospital, even took me home. I’m grateful that my siblings came to visit me too. That was such a dark period in my life & I’m glad to have had people there who cared.
I don’t carry the guilt with me anymore. I just carry love, for my angel. That was a moment in time that will forever be embedded in my memory. I decided to name the baby Riley because it’s a unisex name and I can use that name so that I can put a name to his/her memory.
I never got to hold my baby in my arms but Riley Morgain will be in my heart forever!
Did you experience pregnancy loss? Share your story in the comments.