BEAUGEN MOM BREAST PUMP Nipple CUSHIONS!! Oh, I sure wish I had these at the beginning stages of pumping. Don’t get me wrong, I loved nursing. I loved providing liquid gold for my baby and the other two families I was donating to. […]
I guess a lot of people aren’t to fond of putting their private biz online. Everytime I get the urge to write though I’m faced with a dilemma. Do I post dets or do I not. For this post I’ll try to be as precise as I can be, this hits home… So close to home!
About two years ago I lost my dad. Crazy thing is I don’t feel like I lost something important…. What do feel though is guilt and regret. My feelings might be confusing to you so let me explain. My dad and I weren’t close never were. I was his rude child, his ugly duckling, his annoying pos, and I can go on and on about how I think he saw me.
I don’t know what it feels like to have the undying love of an earthly father. May seem like a TME (to much emotion), but I have to let it out so bare with me. I’m always getting told that you should never ever speak Ill of the dead and that’s definitely not the point of this post. Keep reading though you’ll understand why I states the things I did.
I remember sitting at a swimwear fashion show being held at the standard hotel by the pool area.. I was sitting there and I got a call from my half brothers’ mom. For the first few seconds I really couldn’t understand what she was trying to relay. The words “your dad is in a coma, he is in the hospital and he might not make it” was all I really understood. I’d love to say my blood run cold, id love to say it hurt but it didn’t. It didn’t because I told myself that that was impossible and that God would fix it. God would fix him! God loves me and if I prayed and begged enough he would fix it! But he didn’t, I don’t know why… I wish I knew the reason but he didn’t fix it. Three days later he passed away. When I was told what happened I cried. I actually cried, I was so broken. Mostly because I was the mean devil child that no one deserved.. Not to say he didn’t have he’s share in my actions he surely did. Like I said before we were close at all. Growing up all I really only wanted was my father to love me, to hold me, hug me, care about me the way a father should. No one of that ever happened. I remember having a huge hole on my heart where a fathers love should fill. Don’t get me wrong I know it could’ve been worst.. But the fact that I knew it could’ve been better still haunts me to this day.
After I got older I stopped wanting to care about him because it was useless. He didn’t know or care about loving me so I got to the point where I just stopped reaching out. I figured if he cared about me he would call/text but he rarely ever did. I got tired of waiting on his love.
Yet when I went to the viewing I couldn’t help crying. There was a man I didn’t want to love because of how he treated me but at the same time I couldn’t help crying. I couldn’t help crying for the man I wanted so bad to love me and love back. The man I wanted so badly to just hold me and tell me he cared. I cried but I didn’t want to. My heart broke into a million pieces because there laid a man who I really wish I had reached out to more. A man I wish I went above and beyond to love. I’ve always carried my heart on my sleeve but towards him I couldn’t. I couldn’t because all of my advances towards a better relationship got shut down. As I sit here writing this my heart is so heavy and I can’t help crying because there’s so many “I wish” and “I should’ve done this better”. I always ask myself what did I do wrong? Where did I fail him? Why didn’t he love me? What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong?
It’s hard to actually love a guy when I don’t really know what love from a man is.. I always feel like I’ve had bad experiences with men. Maybe it’s because I’m doing something wrong… Whatever it is I don’t know. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong.. This nostalgia is killing me. Sometimes the memories are just to much to carry.